The Circle of Life

Sitting on my front porch, Dayton style, on a Monday night, Midnight in fact, drinking some beers and smoking some Marlboros all I can think of is Pete. I think of the past weeks, how hard they have been and trying to seek some answers to my dumbfoundedness.

So here is what I have come up with...

Shortly after Saturday's well-needed celebration of Pete's life, Kate and I left Cincinnati at 6:45 AM to head back to St. Louis to become Godparents at the baptism of our 6 mo. old niece Annie (Annie Bananie). She is the most beautiful little girl one could ever hope for I must add. When we got to the church all the kids were there (Jack 7, Sam 5, Will 3.5, Libby 2 and of course, Annie 6 mo.), cheerful as ever, and there was my little Annie, happy to see me as if I hadn't been around in forever. When I saw her, all I wanted to do was embrace her little frame and thank God for the special things in life, so I did. As the baptism went on, all Kate and I could think about was Pete and how the weekend seemed such a blur. As one child played gameboy munching on fruit snacks, another throwing crayons around the church as if they were jarts, I looked at how they perceived life. "When would my batteries die on my gameboy and did my mom bring more", or "what if I broke off the tip of my red crayon, could I still color the horsies?" It seems funny to think about because of what is happening to me, but I realized, those were the days. Nothing to worry about except for those small things. Anyways, soon after, the baptism was over and Kate and I were in the car heading to another celebration, the celebration of Annie's baptism. As soon as we entered the car, Kate had tears in her eyes and I asked her what was wrong, she pointed out the baptismal candle and how it was a symbol both in Pete's mass and Little Annie's baptism. How blind was I not to see this. This is life, one goes away and another shines in. Since that day I can't forget it and I probably never will.

Last and definitely not least to complete the circle, I get a call from Paul Zlatic last Thursday, which stiffens my realization above. Around lunch time here in St. Louis he calls with great news, TWINS!! I couldn't help but refer back to my feelings about the baptism and make sense of all these great things.

How could God create such grief, yet create such happiness in ones life? It seems life revolves in many ways, unfortunately one of those ways is up-side down.

I surround myself mostly with what-ifs these days. What if I stayed in Cincinnati? Would I be a roommate of Pete's? What if I had made it back there more often? What if I could make one more memory with Pete? What if I could change the way I feel by just having one last day with Pete? Then I think about the "Circle of Life", the new life I have created here with Kate in St. Louis (no, not a baby, so don't think crazy). I know I can't regret one of those things because of what I now have to look forward to, but they still flood my mind.

All I know is that Pete was an awesome person, stubborn yet loving, honest, sometimes too honest (smile, you know what I'm saying), truthful, understanding and full of life. I think of him as Pete "Mr. Personality" Gruber these late days.

Love you Pete. I'll see you around.